I've been on my own and independent since I was sixteen years old. A lot of people don't know that about me because I've learned to be pretty good at putting on a face. Within the last six months or so, God has completely broken me of any masks or attitudes I hid behind. I am willing and open about who I am and where I've come from.
The downside of being on my own at a younger age than most teens is submission. That wasn't in my vocabulary for many years. I don't understand what that word means a lot of times. I'm not a disrespectful person by any means, in fact I respect adults a ton and I value their wisdom and input. I just don't know how to trust when someone tells me to do something.
When I'm given a task I don't understand, it's very difficult for me to have motivation to do it because I don't know how to ask questions. When it comes to being in a group, I have a very difficult time relying on people because I'd much rather rely on myself and know I'm not going to let myself down.
Since I've been here, God has taken that reality from me. He's blessed me with incredible leaders who know that I struggle with that and have helped me and are working through it with me. They explain things to me and give me reliable people to work with.
My lack of submission is directly rooted in my lack of trust in others. When enough people let you down, you learn how to withdrawal your hope in who they are. I've learned how to trust people but the next task is learning how to submit. I've stubborn. I'm eager. I'm steadfast. All those put together with everything I've been through make a pretty large task in peeling back all the layers of problems I have to fix and work through.
Submission is a biblical thing. If I ever want to be in a healthy relationship with my future husband, which I think we all want, I have to learn how to submit to him. That's one way I know God has closed my heart to the desire of dating because I just don't know how to be who I need to be yet.
I think in my mind, submission is a sign of weakness. I don't want to submit to people because I want to stick to my guns and be a strong independent person.
I'm starting to understand how to be both. For all those stubborn, independent people out there, you can be gentle and submissive as well and it won't make you weaker. I am learning that submission takes more strength anyways. You have to trust the other person and allow yourself to be still.
It's been a tough two months only because I've allowed it to be that way. I haven't submitted and wanted things to be done to my standards. Through humbling myself and submitting to authority, I've learned so much and I still have so much to learn.
