The things most people don't want to admit

I completely believe that being with angry with God is okay.
That being said, we can't spend our lives always throwing our fists towards Heaven.

This last month of my life, I have spent a lot of time just being angry.
Mad at the way life has played out in many different ways.

Should we blame God? No.
But I'm human, I'm sinful, and I'm selfish.

And these last few weeks have been filled with me saying things like, "God, Why would you let this happen in my life?"

I've asked a lot of questions that I answered for people for most of my life.

We all reach a point in our lives when our faith crumbles underneath the weight of the world.

We hope and pray that God strength and purpose for our life holds it all together in those times, but sometimes its harder than we can comprehend.

And this time, it's been much harder than I'm comfortable with.

99% of the time I'm okay with vulnerability and openness but this month, I've closed off my transparency.

Because faith isn't cookie cutter and perfect.

I'm remaining at the foot of the cross where I know the Lord will lead me and direct me back to His perfect peace.

Just wanted to post and share a little piece of the struggle with you all.

I love you all very much.

Defeat

There are very few things in life that upset/anger me more than when I witness people rejoicing in others defeat.

There is nothing more sad than watching someone not be successful.

Since being back in the States, I am constantly discouraged by the negativity that surrounds me on a regular basis.

I'm the kind of person who thrives on trying to see the good in situations and in people. Granted, I'm not perfect and can be sensitive, but I can't imagine delighting in others failures.

I know it's not just where I work, it's going on at your work, your school, maybe even your home. Unfortunately, our own insecurities have driven our society to an all time low.

We have accepted that failure is entertaining and that it's okay to participate in "egging" it on as long as it doesn't effect us.

How messed up is that?

Why aren't we acknowledging that someone is having a tough go at things and maybe all they need is a person to talk to.

Take your own pride out of things and do something solely to support someone else. Not for the audience that could be watching you or even the warm fuzzy feelings you may get inside, but just because it's the right thing to do.

Know of a co-worker whose week has been a complete wash? Slip a funny note on their windshield on your way out of work.

The worst thing you can do is doing nothing.

Two Thousand Thirteen

When 2013 rolled around, I had already been living in Vietnam for almost three months. Looking back, the months leading up to this year were some of the hardest I've ever faced.

 I had so many questions racing through my mind; What did I get myself into? Why did the Lord send me to this place? How was I going to survive another eight months? Why was this journey turning out to be so difficult?

I imagined that I'd wake up January 1st and suddenly things would "click".
All the answers would magically arrive in my head.

Well, that didn't happen.

I had never experienced loneliness like I did in those first few months.

I'd have to say my biggest/most rewarding experience was Journey 2013. [the retreat I planned to take our youth and another youth group to in a mountain town for three days of adventure and inspirational talks from a pastor living in Laos]

I look back now and am still blown away that it all came together and everyone made it out alive. [considering the excursions we went on, this was actually an achievement]

Faith

Faith is a very personal decision and relationship, between you and God.

Don't get me wrong, we were created to share it and be bold for it but we have to know who we are and what we believe before we go shouting from the rooftops.

I've been pleased to meet so many great people since I've been home.

Whether it be the old crotchety couple in the Walmart line or the sweet homeless lady that I got soup for last week, life is unexpected and wonderful when you take time to love on a perfect stranger.

I've also been reminded that we are all on a journey and it's okay to not have it figured out. I've found some of the most meaningful spiritual discussions with people who are new believers or ones who have many doubts, even those who completely question the sovereignty of God. (no one has all the answers)

I want to be someone who doesn't push those kind of people away. I want to be great friends with them so that I walk alongside them in this exciting faith journey of life.

Are you pushing people away that need you close? Are you walking past someone who needs someone to stand with?

Take time.
Be available.
Be genuine.

Place where peace meets you

I'm finding that being home has been so difficult.
Not just a few challenges every now and then but an everyday battle to accept His grace and share His joy.

I've found myself during those times when I'm all by myself with my journal and bible, writing and asking things like "Are you enough?"

The truth is, HE IS.

He has to be.

Life does feel a lot more difficult without having a youth ministry to focus on because I was into a routine and I loved it. It was hard but I was challenged and was blessed to be able to do all that He allowed me to do.

Things are shifting and that means readjusting and accepting the reality that life will never be the same.

I truthfully have not enjoyed living in America very much. It no longer feels like home.

I had a conversation with my Aunt a few days ago and she said something that reflected exactly what my heart was feeling, "Maybe it isn't suppose to feel like home anymore and it may never again. Through that shift, we keep moving and remain focused on His will."

It may be uncomfortable but I have simple comforts to be thankful for. Like family and friends and a great church.

I am learning that the feelings I'm facing are what are turning me back to His word and to foot of the Cross more frequently. Ultimately, if this is how His will in my life will be revealed then I will respond with obedience.

Responding with obedience results in arriving at a place where peace meets you.
Peace that surpasses even your greatest understanding.

Even when it's tough, press into Him.

How is He calling you to respond?

What do you do when your heart is on the other side of the world?

Take a deep breath, open your Bible and be reminded that our home and our eternity is in Heaven. [Also, a chai tea helps sometimes too!]

 

This past month has been a roller coaster of one second being excited over seeing people I love dearly for the first time in a year and the next second remembering all those beautiful orphans and the wonderful church that I left in Vietnam. So much joy in being home but so much heartache over the realization that where I am now is home for this season.

 

I'm so blessed that the Lord sends people along our way to encourage us and speak truth into our lives in those dark moments when the enemy tries to feed off our poor attitude. I am surrounded by such amazing friends and family here. I am blown away by the grace the Lord gives my mother on a daily basis to speak such love over my life.

 

I'm so touched the Lord chose me to go and for Him to entrust me with a call to all the nations and all people. I know that these difficult emotions I'm facing now will only get harder as time goes on but I continue to lean into Him who first carried my sin and pain. As I learn to yield more and more to Him everyday, I'm learning more about who He is and who He has called me to be.